Dodgy Business

Family ties apart, it was almost refreshing to be climbing aboard the big bird for Oz. When you're travelling constantly you tend to miss out on the UK news, or at least grab it in snatches. But when you're in the UK for five months consecutively it just serves to confirm, without doubt, that the loonies really are taking over the asylum.

When you've read about the 10th case of someone being awarded thousands because he's been called 'a Nancy Boy' at work, or the pensioner threatened with jail because he's had the temerity to barrow back onto the beach the sand blown into his garden, you really do start looking forward to heading somewhere more sensible.

But guess what? The Aussies are catching on. A burglar in New South Wales broke in through a garage adjoining a large house only to have the door close behind him and the roller mechanism jam. Finding there was no door into the house, he was trapped. He was there 20 days until the owner and his family returned from an extended holiday. And get this, he succeeded with a compensatory action for the suffering of undue stress and malnutrition! You'd swear you were still in Blighty...

The Albert Park circuit in Melbourne © LAT

Albert Park has its political issues too. It wouldn't be the Australian Grand Prix if you could arrive in Victoria without people chaining themselves to fences to save the saplings, or the lesser-spotted bullfrog that might get squashed if it hops out of the park lake at an inopportune moment.

And, forgetting the environmentalists, there's always griping at taxpayers' money being spent on a Grand Prix. It's no different in '07 but at least this time John Roskam, writing in Melbourne's The Age has come up with some figures. He reckons that this weekend's upcoming season opener costs taxpayers of Victoria at least £12 million (GBP). The World Swimming Championships here, which start on Saturday, will cost another £20 million. Spending on the two events combined, he says, is the equivalent of every adult in Victoria handing over £8 (GBP).

It's when you see figures like that in black and white that you begin to sympathise with Silverstone and the BRDC for trying to host a comparable event without government support.

While some may agree with Mr Roskam that the money would be better spent on extra literacy teachers in primary schools, as a racing fan you have to be mightily grateful that it isn't. The Australians always put on a first class event in a great atmosphere. And this year in particular, there is huge anticipation.

It won't be quite the same without Michael Schumacher as the established yardstick. Schuey will be a huge miss, but if winter testing form is a good barometer Ferrari will still start the favourites. But which driver will come out on top?

A few months ago that wasn't even a sensible question. I don't count myself among them, but there were those convinced that Kimi Raikkonen was the fastest man on the planet, Michael Schumacher or no Michael Schumacher. He would have Felipe Massa for breakfast.

Massa, to be honest, has never set the pulses racing. Unless that is, you happened to be a Sauber or Ferrari mechanic who didn't fancy an all-nighter. Even last year, I wasn't convinced. Yes, he won a couple of races but suggestions that he was on Schuey's pace simply weren't backed up by fuel-adjusted qualifying times.

Yes, he won in Turkey but only through a handy Safety Car that put Alonso between the Ferraris and ensured that Schuey was stacked in the pits and his race terminally compromised. And yes, he was excellent in Brazil, but his only viable opposition that day would have been Michael, who was taken out of the equation by his qualifying problems. It was inconclusive at best.

And then there was the fact that he was managed by Jean Todt's son, Nicolas. I couldn't tell you what percentage of Felipe that Todt Jr is on, but whatever it is, a year as a Ferrari driver will have gone down very well. The extended contract no doubt delighted both men but still you didn't assess Felipe as anything other than a bit part player, a supporting act to the incoming Raikkonen.

Felipe Massa and Kimi Raikkonen © LAT

It's easy to be cynical about such things, just as it was when you tried to justify Jacques Villeneuve's BAR salary outside the context of his manager being the team principal. Do something similar on the stock market and it's known as insider trading. But then, when you consider what you know of Jean Todt and what he has achieved at Ferrari, it is almost inconceivable that he would have gone with a young driver in whom he had no faith, irrespective of his son's involvement.

So perhaps the winter testing times, with Massa seeming to have Kimi handled, really are representative. I still find it hard to envisage anyone other than Kimi taking the chequer in Melbourne and becoming the Ferrari standard bearer but that's the beauty of the sport and this time of year - you just never know. But I'll tell you what, if Felipe does blow Kimi away, Raikkonen and the Robertsons will have pulled of a Sting that makes Redford and Newman look sick...

Then there's McLaren. Has there ever been a circumstance for a Grand Prix debut more right and more exciting than that afforded Lewis Hamilton? For me it was the right decision and a great one for the sport but Ron Dennis should still be applauded for letting it happen. It would have been easy to play safe, especially with Alonso already contracted. Fernando being there as well simply adds, deliciously, to the mix.

And Anthony Davidson in a racecar at last. I'm delighted about that and, nothing against Takuma Sato, hope he can do a good enough job comparatively to gain acceptance as a man who deserves his place. For that, assuredly, is how he will be judged.

I, like Anthony, am the sort of bloke who can sit on the kerb and dangle his feet. But he's ginger as well! Not so long ago, serious journalists were writing that perhaps he didn't have enough 'star quality,' whatever that might be, and that the opportunity to become a fully-fledged Grand Prix driver might pass him by.

When you saw what he was doing on the track week in, week out, that seemed a huge injustice and you couldn't help wonder how he must have felt reading all that. I mean, he might not be Tom Cruise but he's not exactly a gargoyle either. And he's not very ginger. He's got steel and a great attitude and I'm not ashamed to say I'll be rooting for him.

There's just so much interest all over the grid that I can't wait for it all to start. And, sorry Mr Roskam, but I really don't care if Melbourne school children can't spell. Quite a lot of journalists can't either, funnily enough. Sometime ago, at Autosport magazine, we once wrote a somewhat pompous leader accusing the FIA of making too may 'mitsakes.' Oops! The governing body had the good grace to remain silent and even the editor, Quentin Spurring, a man with class, managed not to swear...