I'm a manufacturer, get me out of here

"So welcome to the show viewers, I'm Dec Ecclestone, he's Ant Mosley and we're a couple of daft Geordie comperes. Here we are in the forest of the F1 World Championship, with lots of creepie-crawlies..."

"Like Ron!"

"No Ant, not like Ron. You've got to stop persecuting him. Anyway, this is about the manufacturers."

"Oh, I see. Sorry."

"All these celebrity manufacturers have volunteered for the challenge of our F1 game watched by you, the public. It's nasty and dirty at times but they're all up for it. They know it's going to boost their turnover at the end of the day."

"I liked it better when we just played it among werselves, like. You-know, when it was just Ron and Frank and Colin and they went racin' and we took all the money and it was dead simple, like. Yi knew where yi were then."

"Thank you for that Ant. Times move on. Now, let's see what challenges we can set for these manufacturers. Now then viewers, they're all in there, in the forest, and it's quite peaceful at the moment. It's 1999 and there's yet another who wants to come in and join them. They're called Toyota. Well, they think they can just come in but we've got to put them through an initiation test first, to see if they really want to come in."

"What we going to do, Dec? Put treacle in their engines and spiders in their fuel tanks. That'll be a laugh eh?"

"No, Ant. What we're going to do is tell them they've got to pay us a huge wad of cash. Then when they've done that, we tell them they've got to come in straight away, a year before they're ready. Then when they say they can't, we fine them another huge wedge of cash. Then when they've done that we'll wait a while as they spend money on their V12 engine and then when they're halfway through that, we'll say, 'hey man, what you doin'? We've just introduced a 10-cylinder limit. You'll have to start again.'"

"Oh aye, that sounds funny. Oh look, there's that Geordie koala bear."

"Yes, that's Donnelly. Now Donnelly, you go back in the forest. You're our eyes and ears, remember. Now, Toyota. Any time it gets too much, just yell: 'I'm a manufacturer, get me out of here' and we'll bring you out."

"Hey, Toyota have done well there Dec. They've come through. Who shall we wind up next?"

"Well, we've got BMW coming in next. We'll let them in no hassle, because they'll wind up Mercedes and they'll start bickering - and we like that don't we."

"Oh aye, it's a right laugh, that. 'Cause when they bicker we've got more power."

"That's right, Ant. Honda are in too and them and Toyota like to wind each other up."

"Aye, and what about Peugeot?"

"Well, Renault's coming in to taunt them and in addition we've paired up Peugeot with a mad bunch of Frenchmen who are so busy arguing with each other and taking long lunches they never get the car together properly. Oh, and look! Peugeot are walking, they've had enough. Our first casualty."

"Oh, look Dec. It's all kicked off with Merc and BM. BM's been winding them up, saying how they build their own engines in their own factories, not just put their name on a motor built in an English village by somebody else. Now Merc's retaliated by nicking one of their blokes. Then Merc's found out they've nicked the wrong bloke and BM's wetting themselves laughing."

"Excellent. Very funny. Now Ford. They've got themselves in a bit of a tizzy without our help, Ant. They've paid for a team twice. They've changed the colour but lost the speed. They've paid a fortune for a load of people, then paid another fortune to get rid of them. Now they're skint."

"Well, there's quite a few of them saying it's getting too expensive, Dec."

"Okay, what we'll do is say oh we'll make it cheaper by making you build engines that last twice as long."

"But won't they have to spend money to do that Dec?"

"Of course they will. That's what's so funny. Once they've done that we'll say, 'oh, you've got to make V8 engines for 2006 because the V10s are too fast.'"

"Brilliant. That'll make it even more expensive."

"Exactly. And while you're at it - we'll say - you've got to make the V10s last twice as long again!"

"Oh fantastic. Oh, look. Ford's walking. It's had enough. Out it comes. Who do you think will be next Dec?"

"Renault?"

"What about when we're left with just one, the champion manufacturer. What will happen then, Dec?"

"Oh, there'll be a new series, I suppose."

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