Grapevine: Milking Cows Could Help Schumacher

World Champion Michael Schumacher could better his performance on the track by getting his wife pregnant, taping a picture of his family to his steering wheel or milking cows to improve his finger work.

Those were among the top 25 tips from among several thousand suggestions sent to German newspaper Bild by worried fans eager to help Schumacher overcome a nightmare start to the Formula One season with just eight points from three races.

"Schumi should give Ronaldo a call and get him to explain how 'passive sex' before football matches helps," wrote Bild reader Hubert Hink. "That should help."

Manfred Richter from Hamburg said Schumacher should get some practice on the go-kart track in his hometown of Kerpen. "It'll help get your 'rear end gauge' properly tuned," he said.

Five times World Champion Schumacher is in eighth place in the standings after his worst start since coming into the sport in 1991. Even though the Ferrari driver won 11 races last year and finished every race on the podium, Schumacher has not finished higher than fourth this season.

"Stick a picture of your family in the Ferrari," wrote Melanie Lengsinger from Toenisvorst. "That will give you the power for victory."

One Schumacher fan suggested he should put together a film of his best driving moves on the track and watch it before races. Another said it might help to spend a night in bed with his trophies. A third said he should spend a night partying with old friends in his hometown disco to clear his head.

Milk Cows

"Another pregnancy with your wife Corinna will give you new wings," wrote Simone Cornely from Uersfeld.

"Schumi should come milk a few cows - it'll improve the sense of touch in his fingers," wrote Susane Altherr.

Bild asked readers to send in their tips and the paper said they had been flooded with thousands of post cards, letters, faxes and emails. Readers with the best 25 tips won tickets to the European Grand Prix at Nurburgring in June.

Several readers wrote they were afraid Schumacher was just trying too hard.

"You're over-motivated - try to relax more in the race and things will start going your way again," wrote Markus Haseneder from Munich.

Guenter Wenske from Erfurt added: "Stop trying to force your way past the other drivers without regard to the risk - most of the wins are a result of intelligence and staying reserved."

Some German supporters thought it would help if he put his daughter's hairbrush or his infant son's pacifier in his car while others suggested a list of the Championship standings - as motivation. But Josef Kestel, from Kronach in Bavaria, had perhaps the most innovative idea:

"Turn your seat heater on full and light a fire under the other (drivers') arses," Kestel wrote.