Mark Hughes: F1's Inside Line

Some time mid-2007:

Wacky Races has moved on some. A beautiful day at the hi-tech centre that is the base of Peter Perfect, the sun glinting off the lake and reflecting brilliantly off the full length windows that curve around it. Perfect these days is CEO of the team. It has grown massively over the years - and even employs his former rival Professor Pat Pending as the chief designer.

Inside, Perfect is standing with his race team chairman Blubber Bear - who has some bad news. "I've just had Pending in," blubbers the chairman. "You're never going to guess what he's just told me."

"What?" says Perfect, supremely relaxed, unflappable.

"He's only gone and got hold of Dick Dastardly's blueprints from Italy."

"What, you mean the old '05 Crimson Haybailer?"

"No! The '07 Mean Machine."

"What!" says Perfect, panic-stricken, colour draining from his fine-featured face.

"Yes. And it gets worse," says the emotional bear (who doesn't normally allow himself the indulgence of emotion).

"How can it?"

"Well, he's only got his Missus to go to the copy shop and get them put onto disk! And the copy shop's only gone and snitched to Dastardly."

"Oh shit," says Perfect, one of the very rare occasions that he has been moved to uttering a profanity. "Where did he get them from?"

"Dunno. Think it might've been Muttley."

"What was that story about Muttley and the white powder on the Mean Machine's fuel churns?"

"Oh, surely that was just one of the Gruesome Twosome."

"What, the one with the big nose?"

"They've both got big noses," says the chairman, distracted for a moment.

"Have you seen these plans?" says Perfect, getting back onto the subject.

"No, but the MD saw a big chunk of paper - must've been about 780 sheets, he reckoned. Told Pending to put them in the shredder immediately."

"Do you think the little fellah in charge of the Anthill Mob can help us?"

"Oh, that's tricky. You know how it is with the mob. If they do you a favour, they own you for life."

"Do we tell our drivers, the Boulder Brothers?"

"I guess we'll have to. If we don't, Dastardly's Brazilian Sawtooth will - you know how he likes to wind Rock and Gravel up."

"What's Dastardly going to do about it? I mean aside from saying drat, drat and double drat?"

"That's the really worrying thing, isn't it? I think he might have complained to Red Max at the FIA."

"What, the Federation of International Animators?"

"Yes."

"They could take points off us and Dastardly could win even if we beat him on the track. They could take so many points off us that the Hinwil Chugabug could take runner- up prize, what with Wufus Wuffcut and his team-mate the Indestructible Owl."

"Tell me something I don't know, Peter. In fact, forget the Chugabug. I wouldn't be surprised if we were so far down that the Army Surplus Special from Grove would be ahead of us. We'd never hear the last of it from Sergeant Blast."

"Crikey. Do you really think they'd do that to us?"

"It's up to them, isn't it? It's their cartoon. Depends on what sort of ending they want as we cross the line at the last race."

"Suppose so. But hang on. What about all those plans of ours that the Buzzwagon people got hold of last year? Why they not doing anything about that?"

"Guess it's up to us to ask them to look at it. But we need to get this out the way first." Blubber stares out the window, past the man turning the pebbles. "Oh, look. There's Penelope Pitstop. Peter, where you going? Come back."

• Apologies to readers too young to remember Wacky Races. Look it up on YouTube or at http://www.hotink. com/wacky/index1.html