Dodgy Business

You know what it's like when a set of statistics is published in the media. Suddenly everyone's doing an analysis or has an opinion. Recently, it was emigration figures and the revelation that Spain - no great surprise - and Australia, were right up there as the most popular hole-ups for fleeing Brits.

Spain doesn't really do it for me. Lots of dust and no grass - the green stuff, that is. And when there is, it's brown road-side stuff they never cut. Loads of untapped potential for Flymo.

Australia's a different matter. There was a woman on the radio slagging it off, saying she'd just come back after a few years and there's nothing better over there than in the UK.

Got to beg to differ on that at the same time as expressing my delight that Oz has regained its position as first race on the F1 calendar. Whenever you're in company and get to 'talking jobs', people always say how glamorous a life it must be covering F1 and doing all that travelling.

Well, yes and no. Short hops to European races leave you with little time and you tend to see an airport, a hotel room and a race track. Flying is just like catching the bus, except the waiting and the queuing is multiplied twentyfold. Thirtyfold after the events of the last week...

The long hauls are the compensation, Australia in particular. Typically the season starts with Australia and then Malaysia a fortnight later. It means that if you get everything done by the Monday after Oz, and aren't due in the paddock at Sepang until the following Thursday, you get 10 days in Australia and really start to pick up the flavour of the place.

Melbourne, Australia © LAT

This is when it feels like the best 'job' in the world. You've got your 'pass out' from the other half on the grounds that there's no point spending 24 hours on a plane just to turn around and do the same thing a week later, at the same time ensuring that your body doesn't know what time zone it's in and you feel like a zombie when you're trying to work. You've got to stress the 'work' bit...

It's probably not surprising that Oz always feels so good. You've spent the last four months in the piddling rain and cold of a British winter and suddenly you land in the middle of an Australian summer with its pavement cafes and the whole place bursting with vitality.

It always makes you feel like doing something. A few years back, then Autosport editor Mark Skewis and myself were getting up at 6:30am going to the gym and then doing a few lengths in the pool - before heading for the sun loungers.

Then there's the blase Aussie attitude and the straight-talking irreverence.

There we were on a couple of exercise bikes, chasing electronic dots around a screen, when the breakfast show DJ took a break for the morning news. There were a couple of national items first from the cheery reader who, without changing tone, went on: "A light plane has come down in the Townsville area with a business couple on board." There was a slight pause before he added, in the same upbeat voice, "they were incinerated. Moving on to last night's footy..."

Now, I know it's not funny. But we both looked across at each other and creased up. And I'd defy anyone who heard the delivery not to do the same.

Later that morning we decided to go for a round of golf and jumped into a taxi. Obviously you hear all these stories about sharks, crocodiles, et cetera, and even how a wound-up Cassowary is really fast and can rip your guts out with its clawed foot. Some of it is true and some of it, you figure, is designed to send up gullible Poms.

We'd been running on Four Mile beach in Queensland and had come across this inlet. We were all for plodding straight across it when a local said, "wouldn't go through there if I were you, mate. Full of estuarine crocs."

We asked the cab driver about the crocs.

"Last fatality was a couple of months ago a few miles up the coast," he said. "But that wasn't typical. It was an American woman living up there. Silly bitch was feeding it. Putting scraps out by her jetty. One day the croc hid under the jetty and just took the main meal. Can't blame the croc."

Last year it was Prince Charles and Camilla time, and some of the stuff on the radio had to be heard to be believed. Suffice to say that it wasn't broadcasting at its cultured best, one station stooping to the level of finding out which studio guest could do the best horse impersonation.

Mark Webber © LAT

In Budapest, myself, Mark Hughes and Motorsport News's Simon Arron spent a pleasant Saturday evening in a Thai restaurant with Mark Webber. The Australian has spent the last few years living in the Oxfordshire countryside and has gotten used to the 'Englishness' of his environment.

We told him about 'they were incinerated' and he admitted that even he has the odd raised eyebrow when he returns back home. Maybe it gets a bit irksome if it's all the time, perhaps prompting our anti-Oz radio critic, but it's good levity when you're having a few days on holiday. Err, sorry, working...

When it comes to sport, your average Aussie is similarly uncompromising. They like to win things and often do. This year, to blow away the cobwebs of the 24hr schlep from England, a few of us hired some bicycles and rode down the coast in Melbourne. We stopped at a bay for a coffee, whereupon a coach driver, his kids happily surfing on the beach, got talking about F1.

"Is Webber any bloody good, then?" he wanted to know. "Why hasn't he won any races?" And on like that. We told him we thought Webber was pretty damned good but that he hadn't had the opportunity to prove it yet. He looked a bit puzzled. He's got four wheels, a steering wheel and a throttle, what else does he need? That was the gist.

Webber, like most of his countrymen, is straight and without pretension. He was good in Formula Ford when he arrived in the UK, but he wasn't overly flush with money. There was some support from rugby hero David Campese, and Alan Docking was quick to appreciate the potential when Webber won races for him in British F3. That campaign was also helped along with some money from Mercedes, who signed Webber for its sportscar team.

Given the McLaren connection, you'd have thought that was a link that might have proved fruitful for Webber, but it didn't happen. There are a couple of reasons. First of all, you get the impression that perhaps the relationship soured quite a bit after Le Mans '99, when Webber thought he was going there to drive in a motor race but instead became the focal point of an aerobatic display. Twice.

The other point, of course, is that Webber is now looked after by Flavio Briatore, not the best of calling cards for anyone looking for a seat in Ron Dennis's team, one suspects.

And, it has to be said, there's still a lot of the paddock not convinced by him, although Renault's Pat Symonds is not one of them.

In F1 Racing's pre-season preview, Symonds was asked whether he thought Webber was good enough to worry the opposition.

"Oh yes," he said. "I love him. I really rate him. So rarely do you see a work ethic in a driver that matches the rest of the team, but Mark definitely has one. He's a quick driver with great qualifying ability. Last season, some of his race pace wasn't so good, but I don't think the same was true from his time at Jaguar. I'd definitely put him at the top of division two when it comes to drivers."

Mark Webber and his Jaguar © LAT

Webber wants to prove that he actually belongs to division one. At Williams, he has regularly turned in some great qualifying performances with fuel loads that have turned out to be substantial. This year's FW28 is not the most aerodynamically efficient car on the grid, which is putting it nicely, and so at places like Silverstone, he's been hamstrung. But when downforce was more important than efficiency - Monaco and Budapest - he qualified second and fifth. Which says quite a lot.

Given Symonds' opinion, and Briatore in his corner, I reckoned Webber was odds-on to take Fernando Alonso's seat at Renault, but Red Bull it is. And, given the funding, Adrian Newey and the potential for a Renault V8, it could be a very good move.

Webber's got a keen sense of humour but it's been tested a bit by his last few years in F1 although, refreshingly, in no way does he consider that success is his birthright. Not so long ago, Mark Hughes achieved a lifetime ambition when he became the proud owner of an E-type. We decided we should have some fun with Webber and so Mark sent him a text, with a picture attached. "This is a real Jaguar,"' was the SMS.

A few seconds later came the reply, "Looks lovely, mate. Probably quicker than mine was too..."

Then, in Hungary, Williams tried some extra wing elements at the rear but had to remove them because they were being damaged by heat from the exhaust. So we sent him another text: "News just in: Williams tries trick new aero flaps. They were incinerated!" No response to that one yet.

Not so many teammates have stood up that well by comparison with Webber. In a couple of one-off Minardi drives, Anthony Davidson was just couple of tenths adrift until he fell off the road. Some observers marked that down as a cross against Davidson, but not Webber himself. Speaking from his own experience of a heavy car without power steering, and given Davidson's experience at the time, Webber reckoned Anthony did a bloody good job. And compliments from him don't come cheap.

A lot of so-called experts reckoned that the highly-touted Antonio Pizzonia would blow Webber away at Jaguar, but it was the Brazilian the team were looking to replace after just four races. Then came Justin Wilson, who was also easily shaded. Nick Heidfeld was regularly outqualified at Williams, even if there were some problems in last year's races, and this season Webber has ensured that his own bubble has not been pricked by GP2 champion Nico Rosberg.

Now comes David Coulthard. They're probably the two most level-headed drivers you'll find in an F1 paddock. Already there are people talking about Team Good Bloke. But don't be fooled. Both are nobody's fool and both are feisty.

These are viewed as the twilight years of DC's F1 career, however much that grinds. Webber will need to blow his doors off. Over a beer, they'd get on, for sure. In the circumstances in which they find themselves, don't bet on it. It probably won't ever get childish, but there'll be an edge. They're too similar.

Can Red Bull climb the heights quick enough? I don't know. But the Aussie and the post-McLaren DC might make better copy than a couple of Finns...